Gorillas and Potatoes
by nithila
Summary: In which Mukahi realizes the implications of equal numbers of chromosomes, and Oshitari pays for it dearly. Now he was the crazy one, because he didn't want to marry a crayfish.


**I think I'm going crazy. This is pure nonsense. Wrote half of it during exams.  
**

* * *

Mukahi was furious. "I am furious," he said.

The other Hyotei regulars ignored him.

They were sitting in the library, again. Most everyone was studying, again. They had been doing this everyday for the past three weeks, and Mukahi was, quite frankly, sick of it.

This, combined with the fact that his paper airplane (made out of some of Atobe's history notes - he hadn't noticed yet) wouldn't fly, made Mukahi, quite simply, furious.

"Eh?" Atobe said to himself, looking confused. He would later deny having ever made such an undignified sound. "Some of my history notes are missing."

Mukahi didn't have the decency to look guilty. "I bet Shishido ate them for breakfast," he announced, poking at his failure of a paper airplane.

"I'm sure I did," Shishido muttered, not even looking up from his work.

"Aha! What was that? A _confession!_"

Shishido sighed. "Please dude, I don't have time for this today. I can't afford to fail these exams."

There was a moment of silence as Mukahi sulked. Which doesn't mean that silence was observed in honor of Mukahi's sulk. Nor does it mean that silence was observed out of the regulars' regret for having forced Mukahi to sulk. All it means is that Mukahi was the only person breaking the silence, so when he sulked, there was peace.

Which implies that Mukahi's sulking was penance of a sort in order to restore peace to the land. What's one man's sacrifice against the happiness of the world, yes?

But, well. That wasn't the point either. The point was, "If these exams are so important, why is Jiroh sleeping?"

There was a pause as people considered said person in question. "I'm not entirely sure," Shishido said at last.

"It's because he's sleepy," Ohtori said wisely.

"He's narcoleptic," Oshitari said, more wisely.

"It's so that I can surpass him and become the best," said Hiyoshi, the wisest of them all.

Everyone turned towards Atobe, waiting for the final inference on the matter. Atobe almost hesitated. "Jiroh does his best work when he's asleep," he concluded at last.

The Hyotei regulars nodded their agreement to the statement. It was, of course, true.

"When do I do my best work?" Mukahi asked curiously.

"When you shut up."

Mukai scowled and turned back to his textbook. He would educate himself beyond the poor levels of his so called friends, and then take over the world. That would teach them.

* * *

One by one, the regulars left the library, until only Oshitari (who, for the strangest of reasons, found the reproduction of bacteria – which was what he was studying – excessively fascinating) and Mukahi (who wouldn't leave without Oshitari) were left.

They sat in seats opposite to each other. Mukahi fidgeted uncomfortably, glancing up at his friend now and then. Oshitari pointedly ignored him.

"So..." Mukahi started, clearing his throat. Oshitari raised an eyebrow, but didn't look up.

"I learnt something today," Mukahi confessed at last.

Now _that _was news. "Did you?"

Mukahi nodded.

Oshitari was curious despite himself. "...What did you learn?"

Mukahi inhaled deeply, steadying his nerves. And then, in one breath, he spoke as fast as he could: "Gorillas can marry potatoes and dogs can marry chickens, but we can't marry crayfish."

There was an awkward pause, with Mukahi's harsh breathing the only sound in the room.

"...I'm fairly certain that's not what you learnt," Oshitari said at last.

Mukahi shook his head enthusiastically. "I know, I know, I didn't believe it at first either. I mean, lions can mate with tigers, but we can't marry crayfish? How fair is _that?"_

"_That's _what's bothering you?"

"Yeah? What else would?" Mukahi looked at him like he was crazy.

Great. Now _he _was the crazy one, because he didn't want to marry a crayfish. "Tell me, Gakuto, how did you arrive at the conclusion that gorillas could...marry potatoes?"

"You mean you don't know? They have the same number of chromosomes!" Mukahi wrinkled his nose. "Can you imagine what their kids would look like? Gotatoes? Porillas? Weird hairy vegetables with fangs?" He frowned. "Would they be edible?"

Oshitari skilfully avoided the question. "...What about dogs and chickens?"

"Same number of chromosomes!"

"...Us and crayfish?"

Mukahi shook his head sadly. "Different number of chromosomes."

Oshitari sighed. This would be difficult. "Gakuto, gorillas can't marry potatoes. They belong to different families, different kingdoms, different genus. Lions can mate with tigers, because they're from the same family. It has nothing to do with the chromosome count."

There was a pause as Mukahi attempted to let that sink in. Oshitari was surprised to see realization dawn on his face eventually. "You mean...animals only marry their relatives? Isn't that like...unhealthy?"

"That, is most definitely not what I meant. What I _meant _was that animals marry animals, birds marry birds, and _none of them could ever mate with a vegetable."_

"Okay..."

Oshitari sighed in relief.

"But why not?"

Oshitari stopped mid-sigh. "Firstly, potatoes don't even have reproductive organs. They're _vegatables, _for heaven's sake. They're not even _motile."_

"So?"

"So they wouldn't be able to reproduce with gorillas." He honestly couldn't believe that he was having this conversation. "Would you marry a potato?"

"Of course not!" Mukahi was aghast.

"Good. Gorillas won't for the same reason you won't." Conversation closed, he hoped. He hoped really hard.

Realization dawned on Mukahi's face again, and Oshitari almost feared what he would say next. But all he got was an "Oh."

Oshitari thanked all the gods he knew and returned to his book.

Minutes later, "So...I still can't marry a crayfish?"

Oshitari banged his textbook on the table and stood up, murderous aura surrounding him. "I'd like to see you _try, _he said darkly, before turning heel and marching out of the library.

Mukahi stared after him blankly.

* * *

**All hail genetics.  
**

**And if you're curious as to why Mukahi wouldn't marry a potato, it's because his heart only has room for crayfish.**

**And also because potatoes like gorillas and Mukahi hates gorillas.**

**I can't believe I actually posted this.**


End file.
